Better late than never! (Merry Christmas!)
Oh, I’ve been bad. Neglecting this blog for what seems like an eternity…so very very much has happened..and I pinky promise to gab on and on about it sometime soon…but for now…
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!
Ahh and what a very merry one it was for me indeed…best ever, no doubt. I received some very nice gifts (clothes, shoes, Nintendo DSi, etcetera) but I was much more excited about the few gifts I was actually able to buy with my own money. The jewelry for my mom, the first three Pokemon movies for my sister (sort of a gift to the both of us, haha) and of course the biggie…a Seiko watch for my boyfriend. They all seemed to really love their gifts and that meant the world to me.
My Christmases are usually very quaint- simply driving over to my grandparents and opening presents plus eating dinner there- but I absolutely adore it. Very peaceful once again, nothing too extraordinary. I discovered though that a card really can be the best gift you can receive…my boyfriend gave me- along with the cutest stuffed bear ever- the most beautiful and sweet card you could ever imagine. I mean, the pre-written words were tear-jerking enough..then add what he himself wrote and I was a pile of mush. I am so thankful for him.
Anyhoozers, I hope you all had as wonderful as a day as I did…sorry for the posting neglect to anyone who actually follows this! Expect mopre frequent updates!
xoxo
This belongs on Gilmore Girls
NOT my life on a Tuesday morning.
11 pm: My sister alerts me that our mom isn’t anywhere in or around the house…we figure she’s on one of her ‘midnight walks’ she likes to take when she’s drunk. I say I’ll be concerned at 11:30.
11:30 pm: Still no sign of mom. Her cell phone was still at the house. Keep in mind that she never even said a WORD about leaving the house…let alone for an hour. Car in garage, dog still here, we’re clueless…so we go out to follow her walk path. We get to the end of our street when my sister tells me that she thought she saw our mom right after we left our house…in some other window making out with some guy. I RAN.
I get back to our side of the street and sure enough…I see them, hell, I HEAR them making out…it was the house that our friend Gina rents to people…the saem house where just a few weeks ago she was complaining about how ”she doesn’t like the looks of the Mexicans hanging around…suspiscious stuff is going on”. (No offense to any Mexicans out there…but you guys have a rep, not my fault) So what am I supposed to think? She just walked over into the arms of some shirtless Mexican drug dealer and started a snog session??? I saw her perfectly well…I didn’t catch the details of him, though. My sister and I just stood there for a second…we watched them watch us watch them…I said ‘let’s go’, we walked back to our house, and closed the garage door.
12:00 am: My sister and I are trying to decide what to do. Do we go over and confront her? Should I have said something when I had the chance? (I would have had no idea what to say) Wait it out? I was texting my boyfriend the whole time because I scared…and I had to stay strong for my sister. I really feel terrible for pulling him in…but he flat out said he was on his way over to make sure we were okay. He’s never made it to my house that quickly. While he was on his way I was trying to figure out how I feel…angry? Worried? Upset? Betrayed? I guess all of them…but even now I feel so stoic…maybe it hasn’t hit me or I’m still on high alert or something..I was trying to keep it light with my sister…she seemed fine but she’s as good at hiding how she feels as I am so I couldn’t be sure.
When he got here I immediately felt bad…I shouldn’t have dragged him into this…but I do admit to being relieved he was here…
He suggested I go over there..but I opted to first sneak behind the houses with my sister and see if I could see anything from their back porch…we didn’t. Lights were on, TV was on, but no sign of anyone…cars were still in the garage and garage light was on. We walked back to my house and I decided I would swallow everything I had and knock on the door….took a few minutes before I finally could…I had to knock THREE times before someone answered the door…not surprisingly, it was not my mom, but the shirtless guy (In nothing but BOXERS) answered…I had to stand there and be polite to the damn guy saying ‘Hi sir, sorry to bother you, I know it’s late, but..’ then he ‘sweetly’ or whatever interrupts me with ‘Yeah, she told me to tell you she’ll be home in just a few minutes’ I just looked at him long and hard…she used him as a fucking MESSENGER. CUTE. I said okay and left.
Sure enough a few minutes later, while watching from the end of my driveway I see her come walking out….but then she sees me waiting and walks back in for a few seconds…she walks over all tough like ‘Well, what’s going on here??’ Thank God she didn’t press about my boyfriend cause 1. He did NOTHING wrong and 2. She’d be the biggest hypocrite in the world…
He had to leave thought because his dad wanted him back by 1 and it was getting on 12:45…so he left after me thanking again and again…
Then I went into the house…my ‘conversation’ with her…it was like SHE was the teenager…making up excuses, saying she just ‘forgot’ to tell us (Which goes SO against her nature), and denying things I knew…it was pathetic. I decided I was done with her for the night.
Unfortunately….this is not the end. He texted me soon after he left making sure I was okay again…I responded…then he did…then nothing. I assumed his battery died or he was still driving or whatever…but almost an hour later…nothing. I’m not concerned about him responding…but I remembered: This is the first time I didn’t say ‘be safe on the way home’ before he left. He hasn’t responded to my calls (It odesn’t go staright to voicemail so I know it didn’t die) or texts….I’m terrified…this late at night…and him texting at the wheel…no. No no no. Please God, no. I keep praying…someone PLEASE tell me he’s alright…PLEASE let him be home safe and asleep…there’s no way I can sleep until I know…Oh God…Oh God….
I feel like Tohru from Fruits Basket. Yeah, I just made that comparison. But that’s what happened…the one time she didn’t say ‘be safe’ before her mom left, her mom gets in a car crash…
Please God…PLEASE let him be ok.
God bless him…he does so much for me….please don’t let anything have happened to him….I didn’t tell him I loved him before he left either…..please please PLEASE tell me he’s ok!!!
I never want this feeling to cease.
I have been imagining and dreaming of that moment for three months now…and it is more magical than I could have ever hoped. The hesitation, the breaths, even the way his lips parted to utter it…perfection. How he kissed me after..how he picked up on the little things…how he smiled at me. I think we all know what he told me tonight from my description. And all I can say is the same to him times infinity.
Best Halloween ever. I hope all of yours was as well. Good night.
xoxoxoxo
Reality is no fun. I’m moving to my dreams.
For some reason the fact that he’ll graduate high school in a few months doesn’t bother me…but the fact that he’ll graduate college in four years really eats at me. (Even though I myself will be in college by then) Everyone says to look to the future, but it’s hard. I see why it shouldn’t and won’t work out…but I can’t tell you how badly it hurts. I regret to report that even now I cry at the thought of him just being…gone. The thought of him with any other girl gives me a hollow feeling like I can’t describe. It will happen, though. So I guess eventually I’ll learn to deal with it, but my gut tells me it will be many nights spent crying myself to sleep before that happens. God I sound pathetic. That stupid little optimism in my head is saying ‘Well, Brynleigh, maybe after you graduate something could happen!’ My ass. I’d be shocked if we even stay in touch halfway through my sophomore year.
And apparently there is all kinds of undesirable genes in his family that make stress an actual health issue. There’s already enough going on in his life right now…then add a girlfriend who no matter how much you may like you KNOW you’ll have to break up with her by next year…well stress like that has the potential to quite literally kill him. I don’t want that. Of course I don’t. I’ve spent all the mental energy I have trying to think of a solution…but I can’t. Long distance doesn’t work, it never does, so there’s not even that.
I DON’T want him to compromise anything or make any decisions based on my happiness. He keeps asking what it is I want and he’ll do anything for me to be happy. Too bad what I want and what will make me happy are selfish. I admit, I know I’m being incredibly mature about this (At least in the real world…by reading my posts, y’all must think I’m a miserable sad sack of a wimp..which is how I feel anyways) but I really just want to throw a tantrum like a little kid and not stop until I get my way. Ugh.
I just can’t imagine life without that stupid smile anymore…
I hate this
ihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethis.
I hate this.
I hate how at band I was able to suck it up, and sort of chit-chat with him. (Against what I was told to do) I hate how I hung around him all night like nothing changed. I hate how the second I got in my mom’s car that ‘good mood mask’ shattered instantly. I hate how apparently random unrelated people knew it was gonna happen today. I hate how I took extra time to make myself look good this morning because I had a gut feeling this would happen and wanted to get every last point I could get. I hate how she told me that he told her he was going to, but then changed his mind in the middle of the day…obviously he changed it back. I hate how I didn’t cherish that last kiss (before he did what he did) as much as I should have. I hate how I’ll never kiss him again. I hate how I’m clinging to phone. I hate how if he doesn’t even say hi tomorrow I’ll go insane. I hate how the more I think about it, the more his reason sounds like an excuse. I hate how I literally can not stop crying. I hate how I’m doing that crying where your out of tears but your face still contorts and you still have snot everywhere. I hate how I know I’ll wake up with stupid optimism that doesn’t belong and just be doubly crushed tomorrow. I hate how we only dated for about two months and I allowed myself to love him THIS much. (I did not say I was IN love, mind you…there’s a difference) I hate how I’m giving him his music chip for the phone back. I hate how I’ll want so badly to kiss him after I do. I hate how there’s a fucking football ga,e tomorrow so I HAVE to go to school. I hate how it doesn’t matter because I would look weak if I didn’t show up. I hate how I feel weak. I hate how I WANT him to see how weak he made me. I hate how that would just make me more weak. I hate how he’ll probably be dating Reigan in about two weeks. I hate how he’ll kiss her, hold her, tell her the same things he told me. I hate how by then I’ll be feeling better and seeing that will break me down again. I hate how he held me, trying to comfort me, before I left school. I hate how much I loved that. I hate how I’ll see that stupid smile that knocks me head over heels every single day knowing I am no longer the reason behind it. I hate how I won’t get rid of the Homecoming pictures of us and plan to say ‘Oh, I haven’t gotten around to it’ if anyone asks why I still have them. I hate how I’m still able to pick up his scent. I hate how I will always love how he smells. I hate how looking back there was so much I did that probably screwed things up. I hate how I want to complain for hours to someone and cry to them, but now I have no one to do that to. I hate how much I’m able to hate about the situation…but can find no reason to be mad at him.
The only thing I don’t hate is how supportive my mom is being. Thank you, mom.
My original plan for today’s post was to just leave you guys to gape in amazement at this video…unfortunately, something more happened today.
He broke up with me. I will not cry to you guys (I’ve done plenty of that in the past few hours) but I will say that he is by no means being a jerk about it. His reasoning is that he is convinced (from his parents who work at the sheriff’s department) that once he turns 18 in February, it would be illegal. I found out this is only partially true. It would be illegal if we had sex, which I would not do. Unfortunately, I can not just mention this and then have everything be fine and dandy again…I mean his dad and stepmom clearly have an issue with this and the last thing I would want is for him to be uncomfortable in his own home.
I talked about this with a friend of mine who is almost the exact same situation as me: her boyfriend is 17 and her parents did not approve at ALL at first because of the age…but now, due to a messed up family, he is living with her. Sounds sketchy, but it isn’t. Anyways, my friend, her boyfriend, and her mom were talking to me about this and her boyfriend suggested that I do NOT even chit-chat with him unless he comes to me. Hi is fine, but no more than that. I agree. If he really still wants me like he says, then he’ll work for it, I refuse to let myself be played.
I don’t have much time before I have to go to practice (And he’s drum major so I get to stare at him for three hours…before today this would always make me happy…), I’ll update later if there’s anything worth updating about…wish me luck. And I hate to sound self-centered…but a prayer or two would be great.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Uh-Oh
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx20.htm
The hypomania part especially is incredibly accurate for me recently…even my posts sort of scream bipolar, if you haven’t noticed.
I don’t want to play drama queen or anything, but I’ve been curious for years now if I’m like this. Looking back and looking at me now, it really is not illogical. However, I’m terrified to bring it up to anyone because, honestly, if one of my friends told me ‘I think I’m bipolar’ I wouldn’t take them seriously, so why would they take me seriously? Even my parents would probably just brush it off…
You know, I really am concerned about myself. Nearly every day I feel both on top of the world and down in the dumps. I’ve noticed this for a long time, long before I read this article, so please, bear with me. Just last night, from about five to nine pm I felt fantastic- giggly, bubbly, optimistic. Then out of NOWHERE (or at least, for a very insignificant reason) I feel my mood go down…tried to save it, but it kept falling until I was curled up on my couch crying…
Oh jeez…then in Health I read that part of being healthy is correct emotional response at the right times. When I hear sad things, I don’t necessarily always feel sad..I mean, I may know that it is, but the feeling doesn’t really register. Maybe that’s a different issue- or perhaps not one at all- but still, I’m afraid, dear readers, that I may be legitimately messed up in the head. All makes sense now, eh?
Weirdest part is…I don’t want it to get cured, sort of. I think it’s because I’m afraid that it will make me boring and shallow, even though I know it won’t happen.
Oh, blarg.
xoxo
This is
I need to get my act together. I know 99% of my posts are like this, but screw the rules, I have green hair!
I know I posted that 10 Life Improvement Things list a week or so ago, but that stuff was really flimsy and not all very big issues or of much importance. Here’s the deal straight up.
- I need to get off the Internet and do my homework.
- I need to start doing my homework before midnight all the time.
- I need to stop getting angry at my mom (Even though a lot of what she says deserves a good what the fuck).
- I still need to stop telling those tall tales. What the hell is the point of making up some excuse for being in a bad mood? If I randomly get in a pissy mood, by God, that’s just how it is!
- I need to think at least a little more before I speak. I’m all for freedom of speech but recently I have looked like an idiot due to lack of thought…
- GET MORE SLEEP.
There. THAT is what I need to do with my life as of now.
In high hopes
I had one of those nights and days that you just feel inspired. Surely you know what I’m talking about, the feeling of excitement for life and the knowledge that everything will be okay! Wonderful feeling. Unfortunately a few little demons showed themselves and are threatening to infiltrate and destroy this mood..I’m taking all the cliche steps to get rid of it, singing upbeat stuff, deep breaths, finding stuff to laugh at and smiling in the mirror to trick my brain…but unfortunately it is not working! Quite frustrating.
Do any of you happen to know any tricks?
