Reality is no fun. I’m moving to my dreams.

For some reason the fact that he’ll graduate high school in a few months doesn’t bother me…but the fact that he’ll graduate college in four years really eats at me. (Even though I myself will be in college by then) Everyone says to look to the future, but it’s hard. I see why it shouldn’t and won’t work out…but I can’t tell you how badly it hurts. I regret to report that even now I cry at the thought of him just being…gone. The thought of him with any other girl gives me a hollow feeling like I can’t describe. It will happen, though. So I guess eventually I’ll learn to deal with it, but my gut tells me it will be many nights spent crying myself to sleep before that happens. God I sound pathetic. That stupid little optimism in my head is saying ‘Well, Brynleigh, maybe after you graduate something could happen!’ My ass. I’d be shocked if we even stay in touch halfway through my sophomore year.

And apparently there is all kinds of undesirable genes in his family that make stress an actual health issue. There’s already enough going on in his life right now…then add a girlfriend who no matter how much you may like you KNOW you’ll have to break up with her by next year…well stress like that has the potential to quite literally kill him. I don’t want that. Of course I don’t. I’ve spent all the mental energy I have trying to think of a solution…but I can’t. Long distance doesn’t work, it never does, so there’s not even that.

I DON’T want him to compromise anything or make any decisions based on my happiness. He keeps asking what it is I want and he’ll do anything for me to be happy. Too bad what I want and what will make me happy are selfish. I admit, I know I’m being incredibly mature about this (At least in the real world…by reading my posts, y’all must think I’m a miserable sad sack of a wimp..which is how I feel anyways) but I really just want to throw a tantrum like a little kid and not stop until I get my way. Ugh.

I just can’t imagine life without that stupid smile anymore…